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Chuck Norris: The Man, the Myth, the Legend

Posted by dutchman on January 27, 2007

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Chuck Norris doesn’t read, he just stares books down till they tell him what he wants to know.

God wanted to create the Earth in ten days but Chuck Norris only gave him six!

If Jack Bauer (the guy in 24) was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. LOL

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said “There is nothing to fear but fear itself … and Chuck Norris”

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger

God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said “Say Please”.

Chuck Norris doesn’t take showers, he takes bloodbaths…

chuck norris doesn’t believe in the periodic table… he only believes in one element… the element of surprise

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

There’s a reason nobody could find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris doesn’t get heart attacks; his heart would never be foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris doesnt laugh, he Chuckles.

Chuck Norris cannot donate organs, they would simply be too powerful to be taken on by a mere mortal. After all, hist kidneys turn tap water into a potent mix of distilled vinegar and kerosene.

They tried to market Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it failed. It wouldn’t take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can believe it’s not butter.

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer…too bad the man has never cried.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris it reveals his credo:
“I End Lives.”

“Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice :p

Chuck Norris doesn’t give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck

Chuck Norris doesn’t use pickup lines, he simply says, “Now”

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

“…Jesus wears a wristband that says \”WWCND\”.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands

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8 Responses to “Chuck Norris: The Man, the Myth, the Legend”

  1. Kook said

    Ok Dutchman heres a new nick name for u and use it well coz it looks like ur a BIG fan of “Chuck” ok CHUCKMAN!! :)

  2. dutchman said

    Walaw ya kookinator?
    If I was such a fan would I be mocking him? :(

  3. Kook said

    OMG im sorry Dutchman… ur the man!! i didnt read the post honest :)all i read was the title

  4. man, r u serious about this post??? one more thing, r u back to kuwait?

  5. dutchman said

    Yes I am back to Kuwait! :(
    And what’s wrong with this post?
    Soon there will be another one about Jack Bauer :)

  6. Kook said

    i thought this was funny “Chuck Norris doesnt laugh, he Chuckles” lol it cracked me up :)

  7. dude… this is some funny stuff. I realize it’s 2 years later, but it’s timeless… kinda like Chuck, but only if he believed in time.

  8. Lynwood said

    Great info. Lucky me I came across your website by accident (stumbleupon).
    I’ve bookmarked it for later!

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